How To Defuse "That's Not Fair!" Arguments with Your Children.

As every parent or caregiver of children knows all too well, at some point you will hear, "that's not fair!" shouted about some life event. It is so common that you may not even realize how you respond or that there is even a method to responding to this that will defuse the situation versus intensify it.

Let's break down some ways to defuse the "that's not fair" situation swiftly versus adding to the fire.

Focus on the feelings not the fairness.

So much of what we do as parents and caregivers is about guiding and teaching our little ones how to be great humans. Now, more than ever, there is a huge push for social/emotional learning that is benefitting our children is so many excellent ways! This includes the fairness fight as well.

Validating feelings first can go a long way in defusing the fairness fight. Why? Because if we can highlight that it stinks to not be getting to be the first person to roll the dice on family game night, or that your brother getting news shoes and you are not is a bummer, then we can communicate to our children that we see them, we hear them, and teach them how to look inside versus needing what the other has.

We want our children to be able to look inward and validate or reassure themselves in a situation, not to have to look to the environment to get what they need or to feel good about themselves. So much of our culture is about "keeping up with the Joneses" so to say, and this teaches them to look outward for what they need to feel happy, successful, what car to drive, what team to root for, what sport to play, what TV show to like, and you get the picture. Teaching our children to find their worth and who they are in others is not going to get them very far. This may only increase their likelihood for feelings of emptiness, anxiety and constantly chasing the next thing, versus learning how to be content, validate their emotions, learn to tolerate tough emotions, or to problem solve and find their way out. Leaving you with a child who knows who THEY are inside and out.

Moving from "well life ain't fair" to "ugh, I know that is a bummer when someone gets to do something you want to!"

Next time you hear "that's not fair!" shouted at you shift your response from whatever it is you may be saying now to a focus on the feeling.

• "I know you are sad that you didn't get to go first in the game tonight. It's okay to feel that way."

• "Ugh! It so stinks when you are out voted by the family on what restaurant we go to this time. It is okay to be bummed!"

• "Hey, I see that your mad that your sister is playing with a toy you want, it is SO hard to wait to use something we want to play with right now."

Be mindful to not add the "making it fair" statement to the end of those shifts. It will feel so natural to just add, you can play with the toy next or it's okay you can go first next time we play or it's okay you can pick the restaurant next time. We want to shift from this because this undoes all of the shifting from the fairness to the feeling.

Remember, it is not about keeping it fair, making it fair, or helping your child find a way to feel it is fair. This is all about tolerance, resilience, and the ability for your child to know they can feel bummed about something someone else gets/has/does and then move on and be okay without anything else but their ability to know themselves.